A Moment Never Faded

Been up for a while need a cigarette, Im having flashbacks, but I've opened up to friends in a way I feel like its all ancient I tell them about being sexually abused twice, I feel ashamed and uncertain but they welcome me with open arms, its a moment I wish everything ended there, A beautiful moment of love and comfort. Makes life seem worth it..bearable.

Alie And I

Wont you say Im a winner? (the scale is her best friend when she looses weight)

She finds her escape in a fridge which will only lead her to a familiar cold bathroom floor just tell me its over

Well all these calories she counts wont set her free I Swear I'm fine.

Let me Claim Im in control well darling Im lying through my teeth

These memories leave with comforting things that kill my thighs, I swear thoughts will consume my body

Laugh it off and smile, no nothings wrong, starving is beauty, purging is power

Well this aint no way of living and life seems so dull, but I feel disgust deep in my skin and fat surrounding my body.

No I wont stop till I see ribs, I'll loose my sanity and my pain.

This is all find and dandy as long as I loose these shameful pounds

Never Have I felt so free, light headed, is this room always spinning or is this me?

I'll dance with the devil, if she promises me beauty I'll give her my soul at no cost

What keeps me up Scares everyone else.

Mama says "Im scared I'll find You on the kiching floor"

Papa says "You Look Fine Darlin"

She screams and pounds my head "Useless Fat Whore"

My Bestfriend.

My Worst Enemy.

I Always Run Into Her.

Sometimes Shes Angry.

Sometimes Shes Happy.

But In The End She Helps Me.

Yes She Toughens Me.

Oh My Eating Disorder Completes Me.

Counting clocks

and I joined a pro ana site, kinda a site for people with eating disorders i feel somewhat real like being understood. i started a new exercising thing 100 leg lifts each and 50 crunches, its painful..but it feels amazing. light headed and dead like..i never felt this good in a while. 305 cals.

She Is Me

Well my words have a problem when they stain my mind and corrupt my soul

I been slipping under these sheets for another sleepness night

These fake laughs and simple lies become who Iam

Just a girl with a disorder

Just a girl with a problem

When the wall screams the ceiling collapses and I manage to smile

Pretending I Always am

What A Lovely Actor I Became.

Yes Watch Me Lie, As I Whimper Everythings Fine.

To A Lovely Friend.

Its Tough Love Im Learning, As A Lovely Girl Tells Me Its Okay To Be Who Iam, Im In Tears Learning That I Cant Denigh Sexuality, Thankyou For All The Support Even If Sometimes You Need To Be Bitter With Me Just To Get Through My Thick Skin, I Have A Feeling I'll Need More Advice And Support In The Future And Probably Your Blunt/Beautiful Personality, Something Tells Me Maybe Its Time To Open, Everyone Tells Me I Need To, To Not Hide, Not Make "Walls" Of Men Convincing myself to be different, a dear friend tells me this, maybe its time for me to open my eyes and finally accept the hardest thing of all..myself. You've Always Been Right Havent You?
Lots Of Love.
-Kayla.

Depression

Well I Been Sleeping In A Bed Full Of Sorrow
I Been Meaning To Get Up And Start Again
I Just Cant Quit This, Promise Things Will Be Different Tomorrow
But All These Bottles Are Cluttering My Closets And I Been Sleeping Away These Past Weeks.
This Angry Habit Is Taking Its Toll Why Are These Four Walls Becoming So Sad
The Doors Been Weeping Staying Closed Is Just Too Lonely
The Dog's Been Hounding Wondering If I'll Walk Down These Old Steps Again.
Some Call It Laziness Others Say Its Digging A Grave To Find A Home
The Lonely Place I Lay Is Becoming A Tomb Im Getting To Know
These Drooping Curtains Seem To Cry When Hope Starts Running Away
All The Pictures Hung Begin To Fall Because Staying Still Means Becoming Frozen
And Nothing Ever Stays The Same But Its Just So Hard To See
When Nothing Is Clear, Well Distorted Images Smile When They Meet The Brain
The Life Slips Into Sleep As I Hide Under The Covers
Ignore The Angry Voices That Take Control
Well I Aint Gotta Problem If We Shut The Lights Off And Believe Nothings Wrong.

Coming Clean

And It Took A While To Admit. To Realize. Anything. I Began To Ask Questions. And I've Learned That Iam Gay, Im Not Ready To Admit This. And Maybe Someday I Will. I Spent Times With Men Feeling Shameful, Regretful, Trying To Escape My Problems, Angry, Depressed And Suicidal..And I Never Was Sexually Attracted It Felt Wrong Having A Man Touch Me, Being Sexually Active With Them In A Way I Only Used Wanted Someone To Stand There So Life Wouldnt Be Unbearable, I Had Deep Conversations With A Lesbian Friend I Told Her How It Felt Wrong That I Didnt Like Dicks In General That I Was Always Angry When In Relationships With Men She Suggested That I Was Gay I Didnt Understand I Didnt Know. She Explained How If I Can Not Have A Sexual/Physical Or Affectionate Relationship To A Man Then I Simply Dont Like Men, I Told Her How I've Kissed Women Have Had Strong Feelings For A Ex Girlfriend Im Still Not Over Yet And Its Almost Been A Year, She Asks Why I Cant Admit This I Say I Have A Homophobic Family They Dont Approve Of Their Children Having Only Attraction To The Same Gender, She Told Me That This Is Part Of Me, And For Once Things Made Sence, I Didnt Feel Off I Can No Longer Be Ashamed, Little Steps, People Do Not Need To Know My Sexuality It Will Take A While But Slowly Iam Coming Clean, And Maybe For Once Its About Time.